Deep Dive ADHD: identity
Here we are in September, how is it landing for you? September seems to bring up as many feels as January for a lot of people. Both new rhythms and winding down the year all in the same breath. Maybe a touch of “Ack! What have I done this year?” Maybe a moment for a mini-reset?
Whatever it brings up for you, I’m glad we’re on this journey together.
To orient ourselves in another way, we’re halfway through the Deep Dive ADHD road map. We’ve had our August rest stop and hopefully are refreshed and ready for the next 3 stops.
Let’s take a moment to look back at where we’ve been. You can always hop over to my blog archives to read the full posts.
Stop 1: Tell Your Story -
When you get a diagnosis or recognize ADHD later in life, you’ve had lots of time to develop ways of coping. Taking a look back over the years with the new lens of how your unique brain works can illuminate patterns and behaviors you have used to keep your head above water.
I imagine someone who has been frantically doggie paddling through life, trying to keep up and stay afloat.
What do you need now that will allow you to swim with more ease? Maybe a pair of flippers? Maybe some swim lessons? Maybe you just need a minute to float on your back and rest.
Taking the time to tell your whole story might shine a spotlight on the way forward, illuminating which way to set off on your unique untangling journey.
Stop 2: Self-Compassion -
This summer I hosted a book club on The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. It has reiterated the power of self-compassion in every aspect of life. The goal of self-compassion isn’t to fix anything, it’s to recognize that being human is hard and messy and to give yourself so much love and compassion anyway. The surprise gift is that bringing self-compassion to the difficult moments makes them easier to bear.
Stop 3: Executive Function Renovation -
It’s no secret that I love to coach in the deep spaces (Hello, Deep Dive!) but the behaviors on the surface help to identify what wants to shift deep down. Looking at the places where we struggle with ADHD related challenges also helps us to recognize what we might need at this stage of life so that we can really let our strengths shine.
This brings us to Stop 4: Identity -
Screw-up, overachiever, disorganized, distracted, disregulated, too loud, too much, not enough, know-it-all, not living up to your potential - add your own label that you, or someone else, has stuck on you.
Or maybe you identify with one of those survival masks - people pleaser, anxious, overachiever, perfectionist.
In the silent moments, do the labels ring true? Do you feel like you still need those labels to get through life? When you are alone in a quiet place where you can hear your heart, who are you really? Empathic? Creative? Brilliant? Compassionate? Generous? Fun-loving?
Everyone experiences these labels to a certain degree but ADHDers seem to have much stickier labels. We have been working so hard to keep up and fit in. Over-using all the ways of showing up in the world that protect us from the shame of being seen as not enough and too much all at the same time.
Stop 4 is a deep one. It’s a space to look under the surface of unwanted labels that keep us stuck in old patterns of behavior that we are ready to let go of.
Dr. Sharon Saline has a clear explanation of ADHD masks in this short article.
I’ve been tossing around this intersection of identity and ADHD in my head all month, reading and pondering. But I’m no expert. I know that identity formation has been a big part of my own journey to wholeness after recognizing my own ADHD, and ADHD masks seem to resonate with my clients and bring some clarity to what’s going on in their internal worlds.
But what is most important for you to hear about why I included Identity exploration in Deep Dive ADHD? Dr. Megan Anna Neff came through this week with her brilliant Substack series on the intersection of Erikson’s stages of development and neurodivergence.
“Identity isn’t sealed at eighteen. We continue to shape and reshape who we are across the lifespan. For late-identified neurodivergent adults, this often means circling back to the identity work of adolescence with a new lens, language, and self-understanding. Re-engaging with this stage can be both unsettling and deeply healing.”
It seems appropriate that many women recognize ADHD during perimenopause. The hormone shifts and identity work of adolescence all at once, good grief.
So what about you? How do you show up when you are operating on autopilot rather than from a place of alignment with who you truly are?
What are we missing out on getting to know about you because you are shutting it down? Your hilarious sense of humor? Your passion for poisonous frogs of Australia? Your out of the box solutions to life’s big problems?
What lights you up that you hide out of fear? Fear of not belonging, fear of rejection, fear of disappointing someone you love?
We want to get to know the whole you, messy bits and all. What do you need in order to allow the whole you to emerge?
Xoxo
Danica
What I’m reading/watching/listening to:
ADDitude Webinar - Did I put this one in last month? Well tough luck. I’m going to keep beating the drum of meditation and mindfulness being a key intervention for ADHD management.
Here’s the link to the Substack quote from Dr. Megan Anna Neff, it will be on her blog eventually. The rest of the Erikson/Neurodivergent series is on her website.
Impact Parents has been a go to resource for several years and Ha! I’m sneaking in a second podcast resource on mindfulness! Meditation teacher Jeff Warren talks about how to start small with mindfulness. Any moment in your day that you can bring presence to counts as mindfulness. Feel the water on your hands when you wash them, smell the soap and really pay attention. Take 10 seconds to inhale the scent of your coffee as it brews. They all add up.
What’s coming up at Danica Lefever Coaching:
Free Book Club
We’ll have a little fun this fall with Penn and Kim Holderness reading their newish book ADHD is Awesome. Tuesdays, Sept 16-October 7 at 10:00AM Pacific. Sign up here.
This 6-Session Program (over 6 months) is designed to be a space to explore what a later in life diagnosis means for you and to create a new way of being in the world with the knowledge of how your brain has worked all along. Schedule a Discovery Call (there is truly no pressure put on you in a Discovery Call. It’s just a chance to chat about what might best support your journey. You can even hop onto my calendar to chat about questions or feedback.)
In the works: New Workshop! - Blueprint Design for a Life you Love
Together we’ll imagine what needs to go into your own blueprint for moving forward after a late diagnosis. Everyone’s blueprint will be different. We’ll consider the elements of a foundation, the structural support and the plumbing, heating and electrical systems. You’ll have the plan to get started building an ADHD life that feels like home.
This workshop will give you the space to cut through the noise of everyone telling you what you “should” do and listen to your own wisdom of what you need now.
Stay tuned for details! Hit Reply to let me know if you’re interested.
